Thursday, March 29, 2012

The Crib Broke My Heart

Before I had Emma, I always thought that I would never have a hard time watching my child grow up. I figured that each month would be an exciting milestone and that I would never have a hard time with learning to let go of the small things as my little one grows.

Okay, okay....I know what you're thinking, Emma is only (almost) 7 weeks old and she is still completely dependent on me for pretty much everything and anything she could need, so what do I really have to "let go" of at this point in her life.  I would be thinking the same thing if I were you, but there are little things that just sneak up on you that don't seem big in the terms of the long run in life, but they are "big" things to me at this moment in time. 

One of them kind of "snuck up" on me the other day unexpectedly and I never would have thought it would bring tears to my eyes but it did.  I decided that it was time for Emma to take her first nap in her crib.  Obviously she has been sleeping with us in her bassinette since the day we brought her home.  As far as nap times go, well newborn babies sleep any where all day long and her Dad and I have taken advantage of her newborn snuggliness by cuddling her when she sleeps during the day.  I mean, who wouldn't want to cuddle her, she is just way too cute! However, I decided that we would start working a little bit more on getting her ready for what life is going to be like when Mommy's maternity leave is over and she will be on a much different schedule every day.  I figured one of these steps is to get her to start napping in her crib, which will also help transition her to sleeping there at night when she is big enough. (Oh gosh, the tears start already thinking about that milestone!)

Emma usually falls asleep while nursing and I decided to lay her down in her crib for a nap.  I thought it would cause her to stir or that she would feel that something was "different"...I guess I just thought the transition to something new and "independent" would phase her, but it didn't.  My little cutie pie laid right down as if nothing had changed at all. I covered her in her crib blanket and looked down at her sweet little face and unexpectedly the tears welled in my eyes.  Looking down at her itty bitty self in that seemingly giant crib, I just couldn't help but feel like in some way she was really growing up.  She was a big girl taking a nap in her room away from me, it felt so strange and I never ever expected it to! I never thought that something as simple as her napping in her crib would affect me in that way but it did.  

As I think about it now, it's funny how I have had a lot of emotions since she's arrived that I never expected to.  I never expected to love her so deeply that there really aren't words to describe it.  I never expected to fall deeper in love with her every day even though I never knew one could love another so much.  I never expected to love how much she needs me to help her everyday in a way that only a Mommy can as much as I do.  I have seen this quote a million times, but it never really hit me before Emma and now it's words ring so true with my heart.

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous.  It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." -Elizabeth Stone.

I guess I just felt like her first nap in her crib was the beginning of many hurtles as her Mom that I will have to face in "letting go" as I learn to let her grow up and become her own beautiful person.  I know that she isn't growing up and leaving me anytime soon, but the little milestones feel like big one's to me since I am facing every thing for the first time.  This Mommy stuff is really a tough but beautifully rewarding job! I am just so glad that she won't grow up too fast on least I'm hoping! :)

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Monday, March 12, 2012

One Month Old!

Dear Emma,

I cannot believe that you are already ONE month old! Where has the time gone? It seems like it was yesterday that we were bringing you home from the hospital with butterflies in our stomachs nervous about being wholly responsible for you.  Now here we are a whole month later, and it's hard for me to remember what our life was like before you were here.

To say that you have completed our lives would be a total understatement.  Your presence in our life has completely transformed who we are.  I have never know how much one could love a little person until you were placed in my arms and you stole my whole heart in a single second.  I have loved every single moment of being your Mommy, and I find myself at least one a day staring at your perfect little face completely in awe of the blessing you are.  You have truly added so much joy and love to our life in one single month, it's amazing and I thank God every day for you.

As I have watched you grow over this month, it's been quite the adventure as you have adjusted to life outside in the world, and it's been interesting for me to learn all about you and become your Mommy.  You are such a sweet, easy going baby and you have made the adjustment to parenthood really easy on your Daddy and I.  We absolutely love just watching you sleep, and laughing at all the sweet faces you make while you do it.  So far everyone says you look like your Daddy, which I totally agree with, but he says you have my expressions and my lips.  Either way, you're adorable!! :)

Your Daddy is absolutely smitten with you and you love snuggling him in the morning in bed after you're done eating and trying to wake up.  You guys also spend a lot of quality time hanging out while he plays games and you like cooing as he talks to you about what he is doing.  I think you will be spending a lot of quality time like that as you continue to grow up.

As for Mommy and Emma time, well we get a lot of that in.  You are pretty much attached to me since I am the only one who can feed you right now, but beyond that you seem to calm down at my touch over Daddy's (which I totally love) and you always try to find my voice in the room when I am not holding you.  I love every moment with you, but I especially love our snuggle times in the middle of the night after feedings when it's just us and you like snuggling right up close to me, face to face, and falling asleep right in that spot.  It's the best time of my day and it makes those late night/early morning feedings worth loosing sleep over.

You are truly an answer to many prayers and I sometimes still cannot believe that you are here!  Many tears were shed as I prayed for a sweet baby over a years time, and while I hold you in my arms today you are more perfect than every thing I dreamed up, and sweeter than any thing I could have imagined.  I love you so much sweet baby girl and I cannot wait to watch you grow up.  Just promise me you won't do it too fast, ok?

I love you!

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