Thursday, March 29, 2012

The Crib Broke My Heart

Before I had Emma, I always thought that I would never have a hard time watching my child grow up. I figured that each month would be an exciting milestone and that I would never have a hard time with learning to let go of the small things as my little one grows.

Okay, okay....I know what you're thinking, Emma is only (almost) 7 weeks old and she is still completely dependent on me for pretty much everything and anything she could need, so what do I really have to "let go" of at this point in her life.  I would be thinking the same thing if I were you, but there are little things that just sneak up on you that don't seem big in the terms of the long run in life, but they are "big" things to me at this moment in time. 

One of them kind of "snuck up" on me the other day unexpectedly and I never would have thought it would bring tears to my eyes but it did.  I decided that it was time for Emma to take her first nap in her crib.  Obviously she has been sleeping with us in her bassinette since the day we brought her home.  As far as nap times go, well newborn babies sleep any where all day long and her Dad and I have taken advantage of her newborn snuggliness by cuddling her when she sleeps during the day.  I mean, who wouldn't want to cuddle her, she is just way too cute! However, I decided that we would start working a little bit more on getting her ready for what life is going to be like when Mommy's maternity leave is over and she will be on a much different schedule every day.  I figured one of these steps is to get her to start napping in her crib, which will also help transition her to sleeping there at night when she is big enough. (Oh gosh, the tears start already thinking about that milestone!)

Emma usually falls asleep while nursing and I decided to lay her down in her crib for a nap.  I thought it would cause her to stir or that she would feel that something was "different"...I guess I just thought the transition to something new and "independent" would phase her, but it didn't.  My little cutie pie laid right down as if nothing had changed at all. I covered her in her crib blanket and looked down at her sweet little face and unexpectedly the tears welled in my eyes.  Looking down at her itty bitty self in that seemingly giant crib, I just couldn't help but feel like in some way she was really growing up.  She was a big girl taking a nap in her room away from me, it felt so strange and I never ever expected it to! I never thought that something as simple as her napping in her crib would affect me in that way but it did.  

As I think about it now, it's funny how I have had a lot of emotions since she's arrived that I never expected to.  I never expected to love her so deeply that there really aren't words to describe it.  I never expected to fall deeper in love with her every day even though I never knew one could love another so much.  I never expected to love how much she needs me to help her everyday in a way that only a Mommy can as much as I do.  I have seen this quote a million times, but it never really hit me before Emma and now it's words ring so true with my heart.

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous.  It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." -Elizabeth Stone.

I guess I just felt like her first nap in her crib was the beginning of many hurtles as her Mom that I will have to face in "letting go" as I learn to let her grow up and become her own beautiful person.  I know that she isn't growing up and leaving me anytime soon, but the little milestones feel like big one's to me since I am facing every thing for the first time.  This Mommy stuff is really a tough but beautifully rewarding job! I am just so glad that she won't grow up too fast on least I'm hoping! :)

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1 comment:

Haley said...

I know the feeling. I was sooo sad when Clara first slept in her crib.. in her own room. And they grow TOO FAST. I'm already beginning to plan a 1st bday! :'( Fun, and sad.. at the same time.

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